


Summer's a Knife

by HeartshapedMusicBox



Category: Karlie Kloss - Fandom, Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: F/F, I had a burst of inspiration, hopefully you'll enjoy it, this is 10 years down the line
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21709522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartshapedMusicBox/pseuds/HeartshapedMusicBox
Summary: It's 2030. Taylor is nearly 40, newly divorced, and longing for her long lost love.
Relationships: Karlie Kloss/Taylor Swift
Comments: 13
Kudos: 122





	1. Chapter 1

_March 23rd, 2030._  
  
My dearest Karlie,

You might wonder why it is you find yourself holding this piece of paper right now, reading words written by my hand. I can’t even start to imagine what it might do to you or what you might feel. Maybe you’re having flashbacks to better times, or maybe it’s just hitting you like a fist to the stomach. Maybe it’s neither of those. 

To be honest with you, I don’t know why I’m sending this. It might be the loneliness that shows up in the middle of the night while my children are asleep, reminding me I’m about to turn 40; telling me that here I am again, finding myself alone and unloved, wondering if I will ever find that fulfilling happiness I had when we were together. 

Actually, scratch that. I’m allowed to be selfish sometimes and right now I want you to know I’m still around. I have longed for you for 15 long years. Even in those years when I was happy and in love, I longed for you. You own a special piece of my heart, the piece I never got back from you all those years ago, and it aches, every single day.

_April 2nd, 2030._

Have you ever looked back and asked yourself what would have happened if circumstances were different? 

I don’t think this was your fault, not really. I was trying too hard to hold on to things that were foreign concepts to me. I was never popular – how was I to know it would all come crashing down on me? All I wanted was to be happy.

I never meant for us to fall the way we did, but we fell nonetheless. The world just wasn’t ready for us. 

_April 19th, 2030._

I read somewhere you broke it off with Josh. I want to say I’m happy about it but I know all too well the toll a breakup can have on your body and soul. It’s nothing to really be happy about. It’s more of a cosmic shift that runs you over; at least that’s what it felt like for me. Be glad you don’t have children that complicate the matter. Maybe that’s not a thing I should say. Maybe you wanted children and for whatever reason never had them. 

In that case, I’m sorry. 

_May 3rd, 2030._

Sometimes memories of you surprise me in the dead of night. You pull me in and weave yourself through my brain, sprouting little emotional seeds that turn into long, slender vines, forcing themselves through the windows of my soul. You intrude on my dreams, taking me back to the time when it was your arms I wore at night like a blanket keeping me warm. The memories of your soft skin, of how much I adored brushing my fingers down your back every morning, get stuck in my throat when I wake up next to my naked lover, the one who isn’t you, leaving a bittersweet taste in my mouth. Those are the times when I roll over; turning my back to the sleeping warmth on the other side of the bed, wishing it was you who kept my bed warm and my body occupied; allowing myself to wade back into those memories and long for you with every fiber of my being. 

If only we had done things differently. 

At times I wish I could take it all back, just go back in time and undo all we had together. It would erase those painful memories of our last days together, wipe them away from existence all together, but I know it’s not really worth it. What are a few painful memories in light of all the beautiful days we had, of the warm summer days we spent in each other’s arms, and of the nights in my bed where we became one, neither one of us knowing where one ended and the other began. 

_June 14th, 2030._  
  
Your lack of response is deafening. It’s okay if you just want to forget about me. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, long time, no see!!   
> More notes at the bottom! Enjoy!!!

_July 27th, 2030._

The sun has been up for hours already over the British countryside, spiking the temperature up to the point where you’re acutely reminded of the hot summer days you used to spend in Los Angeles a decade ago. If it wasn’t for the cooling breeze ruffling the leaves of the trees in your backyard, you would have stayed inside, cooling off in your air-conditioned living room. Instead you’re sitting on your knees by your flower bed, wearing short dungarees over a light pink t-shirt and a pair of sunglasses. A few feet away, your daughter is playing in her sandbox, giggling as she builds a town of small castles in the sand. 

You’re in the middle of planting a new rudbeckia plant – the golden color of it brought you straight back to that August day so long ago when you sent her sunflowers and so you had to have it – when your 8-year old, Connor, comes running out of the house.

“Mum, there’s a lady at the door for you.”

“Do you know who it is?” you ask him as you make sure the plant won’t topple over while you’re gone.

“She didn’t say.”

You stand up and shake the excess soil off your hands. They’re visibly dirty but there’s no time to go inside to wash your hands, not when someone’s waiting at the door. You wonder who it could be. You’re not expecting anyone. Maybe it’s a neighbor? It’s strange they wouldn’t mention who they are, though. Shrugging, you smile at your son. “Okay,” you say, “watch your sister for me, please.”

Connor obediently does as he’s told so you can hurry into the house through your back door, taking a detour to the kitchen to grab a towel to wipe your hands on as you walk through the house. Dumping it on the small table by the door, you check your hands one final time before opening the door. They’re not clean, but better than they were. Taking a deep breath, you open the door.

You are thoroughly unprepared for who is standing there, her back towards you looking out at your front yard. She’s wearing tan slacks that ruffle in the wind, a cream sleeveless blouse, and an enormous summer hat that threatens to be swept away by the wind at any second. She turns and smiles at you, and your heart skips a beat. You don’t need to see her eyes under those dark sunglasses in order to remember that particular shade of green, the one you lost yourself in many times over all those years ago. 

Karlie. 

You blink a few times, not believing your eyes. She’s really here, standing right in front of you. You can feel your brain running in circles, clearly having some issues processing this and as a result you just stand there, looking at her.

“I got your letters,” she says, breaking the silence. There’s an amused smile on her face as she says it, like there’s a bit of a challenge in her words. It’s like she’s testing you to make sure you meant what you said in them, that you actually do want her back now that she’s standing right in front of you, and not only in your dreams as a figment of your imagination.

Your mouth is dry as parchment as you try to come up with something to say. She cocks an eyebrow at you, waiting impatiently for a reply. She seems to take joy in rendering you speechless. Why the hell can she still do this to you after all these years?

You take a deep breath and center yourself with your eyes closed for a brief moment. Opening them, you look at her nervously. “Would you like to come inside?”

She walks past you through your front door with a smile on her face. As she passes you, you can smell the floral notes of her perfume and you breathe it in deeply, like you’re trying to memorize it in case she leaves again. 

Closing the door behind you, you turn to find her taking an interest in the photographs hanging on the wall, turning around slowly to look at everything around you, her sunglasses in her hand. You stare at her with fascination and a hint of fear. You can’t believe she’s standing here, in your hallway, looking like _that_ , after all these years. The sight of her has awakened that yearning inside of you, and you register your heart thumping eagerly away. Maybe a bit too eagerly.

Without realizing what you’re doing, you pick up the now dirty dish towel by the door and start wiping your hands on it again. You’re sweating and it’s not just from the heat. The movement catches her attention and she stops to look at you. 

“Were you busy with something?” she asks, her voice snapping you back to reality. 

“What?” you ask confusedly, and look down into your hands. “Oh,” you exclaim as your mind is starting to piece things together, “yeah, I was gardening.” 

She cocks her head to the side and a smile spreads on her face. “You still do that?”

“I do,” you say, “would you like to see it?”

“Absolutely.”

You lead her down the hallway and out on the patio. She walks over to the railing and stand there, visibly taking in every little plant and feature in your yard. 

Remembering your half-planted flower, you point towards it. “You won’t mind if I just finish planting this poor plant over here, do you?” 

“Of course not,” she replies. She follows you into the yard, smiling to your children as you crouch down by the golden rudbeckia. 

Your children, especially your daughter, shyly look away from her, but out of the corner of your eye you spot them glimpsing at her with curiosity while she’s not looking.

“Your garden is beautiful,” she says, turning around looking at all the flowers. As she does, the sun hits her in such a way that she glows as golden as the plant and you have to take several deep breaths in order to kill the urge to strip her clothes off right then and there.

Just as you finish packing soil around the flower in front of you, your daughter tugs at your arm. “Mommy,” she whispers urgently, “I’m thirsty.” She clings to you, only poking her head out to gaze shyly at Karlie every now and then.

“El, this is my friend, Karlie,” you say to her, softly stroking her hair. Looking up at Karlie, you smile softly. “Karlie, this is Eloise, my daughter.”

Karlie crouches down and looks at Eloise with a big smile on her face. “Hello,” she says softly, “how are you?” 

Eloise doesn’t answer her. Instead she impatiently tugs at your clothes. “Mommy,” she whispers again, “I’m thirsty.” 

“Okay, come on,” you say, sending her on her way towards the house. You look at Karlie, who has gotten back up, mouthing ‘I’m sorry’ at her before finding your voice. “Would you like a glass of lemonade? I made it fresh this morning.” 

“I would love some.”

You lead Karlie towards the kitchen. When you arrive, Eloise is already sitting on her chair, waiting patiently while holding her favorite plastic mug. Karlie sits down at the table, attempting some small talk with your daughter with varying success, but at least it keeps her occupied while you prepare a bowl of fruit for her and Connor. 

Your mind races while you stand with your back towards Karlie, chopping fruit. Inside your chest, your heart is beating just a little faster than normal and you’re still sweating. You wonder what brought her here. Obviously your letters had something to do with it, but why did she just show up like this? Why didn’t she write back first? You had included a return address in your letters, why hadn’t she used it?

Stepping two steps towards the kitchen sink so you can wash some strawberries, you turn your head just a little to look at her. She looks older, a couple of wrinkles around her eyes tell you she hasn’t had it easy since you last saw her, but to you it’s almost like no time has passed; she’s still the most beautiful thing you have ever laid your eyes on. A warm flush spreads across your face and you smile to yourself. Hopefully later you get to show her exactly what she makes you feel.

You put strawberries in a bowl for the two of you and give the rest to the children. With a fruit bowl in one hand and the bottle of lemonade in the other, you call your children over and walk into the living room adjacent to the kitchen. “I’ll be right back,” you say to Karlie, wanting her to stay where she is so that you can talk freely while the children watch TV. 

The children settle down in front of the TV, each of them already munching on a piece of fruit. You find them napkins, and remind Connor to let Eloise pick something that she likes to watch, but you know you don’t really have to say it; he has given her everything she wanted since the moment she was born.

Walking back into the kitchen, you find Karlie studying the children’s drawings that are on display on the fridge. “Your kids are beautiful,” she says as soon as she notices you, and it makes you warm inside. “Eloise looks like you,” she continues. “The blonde curls, those blue eyes – it’s like seeing your baby pictures in real life.”

“You’re not the first one to say that,” you say, your voice full of pride.

Karlie smiles and her gaze linger on yours for so long you have to break it off before you turn into a puddle on the floor. You break away and find two tall glasses and fill them halfway up with ice before you pour both of you some lemonade. “Sit,” you gesture to the kitchen table as you carry the glasses over, and she obliges. You turn for a second to grab the bowl of strawberries and turn back to find her checking you out. 

“You haven’t changed much,” she comments as you sit down opposite her, and you blush a deep shade of crimson. 

“I suppose that’s a good thing,” you laugh nervously, “especially considering I’ve had two kids and it has been like 15 years.” 

The conversation halts there for a moment. You take a sip of your lemonade, wondering what to say to her. It never actually occurred to you that she might show up like this, so out of the blue. You’re dying to know what she’s thinking, but at the same time you don’t want to ask, not right away. It’s likely that she’ll tell you at some point anyway. She’s here, isn’t she? You doubt she would show up without a reason.

When the halt in conversation lasts for so long both your glasses are empty and the silence becomes too heavy, you gather some courage and voice some of your thoughts. “I didn’t expect you to show up like this,” you say, looking down at the table. “I didn’t expect you to do anything about those letters I sent you, if I’m being perfectly honest.”

“So why did you send them?”

“I don’t know. I’m approaching 40, I’ve lived the past twelve years with a man whom I loved deeply but who ultimately couldn’t completely fill that asymmetrical crater inside my heart where the two of us used to reside. And I guess once that eventually fell apart, with him, once I was free to figure out who I am now, other than a mom, I realized that while I was happy with every other part of my life, my mind kept moving back to you.”

When she doesn’t reply, you allow yourself to continue. “I know probably shouldn’t have sent them.”

“No, it’s okay,” she says, “although I admit it was a surprise to get them. I didn’t know what to do about them, so I just… didn’t do anything. Until now. And to be honest, the look on your face when you saw me? Worth the surprise visit.”

“Oh God,” you groan, laughing awkwardly. A flush spreads on your face and you look away for a moment, only to look back up at Karlie a second later. You’re feeling embarrassed, hoping your thirst for her hadn’t been too obvious, but she smiles gently at you and suddenly it’s like it has only been 15 minutes since you last saw each other and not 15 years.

You ask her if she wants to stay for dinner, and she does, playing with your children while you cook. Once the children are asleep, you sit on the patio watching the sun go down while you drink white wine and talk about the good old days, and come nightfall she falls asleep in the bedroom next to yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for leaving you guys hanging for so long. My life has changed a lot the past few months, so to keep it short I moved to a different city because I scored my dream job, so I've been so busy with moving and starting a new job that this chapter is long overdue. I promise it will NOT take this long to give you the next chapter though. <3


	3. Chapter 3

_July 28th, 2030._

After a quiet morning with pancakes, coffee, and an extra person around the kitchen table, you get the kids dressed and into the car, ready for a day at their grandparents' house. 

Once the kids are dropped off, you and Karlie stop by her room at the local bed and breakfast in order for her to get some things and a new change of clothes. You park the car outside a quaint yet homely building in the middle of town, and you’re just about to unbuckle your seatbelt when Karlie stops you. 

“You don’t have to come inside,” she says, “I’ll only be a few minutes.”

You turn to look at her, your eyes narrowing in confusion. “Why not? I really don’t mind.”

“Wouldn’t people talk?”

“Why wou… Oh.” The revelation hits you like a wet towel to the face: she must be thinking you don’t want to be seen because you’re famous. The reminder makes you laugh; you haven’t worried about being out among people since Eloise was a year old and Joe took you all out for dinner at the local pub, and absolutely no one even looked at you funny. 

Grinning, you move her hand away and unbuckle your seatbelt. “I’m not a novelty around here anymore, Karlie. I might still be elsewhere, but here? This is my home, this is my children’s home, and here we’re just regular people.”

Twenty minutes later, after sitting on the bed in Karlie’s room trying not to do something you’d possibly regret as she ran around practically naked while getting changed in front of you, the two of you decide to go for a walk. The weather is lovely, just a sunny as the day before, but the wind is cooler which makes the day feel less sweltering. 

The two of you walk along the popular main street of your small country town. There’s a surprising number of people passing you by today, greeting you happily, but it’s summer and people tend to go outside when the weather is nice. You stop by the coffee shop on the corner, where the barista asks you how the kids are enjoying their summer, and you wink at Karlie to emphasize your earlier statement that you’re just regular people here in this small town. 

You take your iced coffees back outside with you and stop by the small indie store next door. “This place is really nice,” Karlie says as she runs her hand through a rack of summer shirts. “Why did you end up here, of all places?”

“It was several things, really,” you say, holding up an olive and white dress in front of a mirror, “does this suit me?”

“Yeah, that would be gorgeous on you.”

“Then I’ll get it. But yeah, back to your question. Convenience was one of the reasons why we ended up here. Joe’s parents live close by, as you’ve seen, so we knew the children would always be able to be with family if anything came up. Connor was also approaching school age and I knew I wanted him to go to school here, as he would have a better chance of just being a normal child here rather than back home.” 

“And has it been everything you wanted it to be?”

You look up at her with a smile on your face. “It is now.”

***

You come home with a car full of groceries that Karlie helps carry inside. You dump the bags in the kitchen, feeling the sweat run down your forehead. You want nothing more than to just leave the bags where they are and jump into the pool, clothes on, just to cool down, but it would be a bad idea. 

“Why don’t you get ready for a swim while I put the groceries away?” you suggest.

“I can do that.”

You hum a reply as you focus on pulling groceries out of one of the large bags, placing each item on the counter. Once the bag is empty you look up, bag in hand ready to be folded, and see Karlie standing in front of you in her bra and panties, smiling at you. 

“Uhhhh,” you say, your mind spinning, “okay.”

“What? It’s not like the kids are here. Isn’t your property pretty private?”

“Uh, yes, yeah, uhh, it is,” you splutter. Warmth spreads across your cheeks and you know you’re blushing. You just hope the redness from the exertion is hiding your obvious lust for her, and you look away, focusing on that bag that needs folding. Your heart is racing, making your hands tremble as the bag is folded and put away before you turn to the groceries. One by one, each item is placed where it belongs, and every time you grab a new item from the counter you see Karlie in the background, in turn making your heart beat just a little faster. 

This is pure torture. All you want to do is push her up against a wall and kiss her.

You take a deep breath before you look up at her. She smiles, clearly waiting for your reaction. To buy yourself some time you turn to the fridge for a moment, opening it briefly to take out a bottle of white wine. “Here,” you say, “feel free to grab yourself a glass of wine while I go upstairs to change into something more suited for a dip in the pool. Glasses are up there.” You point at a cupboard to the side of the room on your way out of the kitchen. 

“Do you want a glass too?” Karlie calls after you.

“Yes, please! Just give me five minutes and I’ll be there.”

Deciding what to wear for a simple, yet hot afternoon spent in the pool should not be this hard, but knowing Karlie is downstairs waiting for you is making this very difficult. You lay out your options on your bed. There are several, two of them among your absolute favorites, but instead of managing to make a choice as you try them on, you just end up standing in front of your mirror scrutinizing your stomach. 

From the glimpse you got in the kitchen, Karlie still looks amazing. Fifteen years don't seem to have changed her much, and you know you can’t say the same for yourself. You don’t look like you’re 25 anymore. You are squishier in places that used to be firm, and your stomach bears the marks of having carried two children. On any other day this wouldn’t bother you, but today? Today it makes you insecure.

What if you can’t measure up to the expectations she must have from all those years ago? You already lost her once, you don’t want to mess things up this time. 

You take a moment to take a few deep breaths, calming yourself down. Knowing you’ve been up here longer than the five minutes you said you’d be gone, you make a decision and go for a burgundy and white striped bikini and a pair of gold-rimmed sunglasses. Feeling good about your decision, you stop by the bathroom to get out two fluffy grey towels before you make your way back down to the kitchen.

By the time you walk back into the kitchen, Karlie’s wine glass is almost empty. “That was a long five minutes,” she says, cocking an eyebrow at you. 

“Yeah, I… couldn’t decide what to wear,” you mumble, feeling a blush spread across your cheeks again.

Karlie laughs and stands up. “It’s okay,” she says, a spark shimmering in her eyes as she winks at you. “Let’s go, I’m dying to get into that pool.” Picking up her wine glass in one hand and the bottle in another, she turns and starts walking outside. 

***

You spend the afternoon both in and around the pool, soaking up the sun and chatting about the old days. At one point she asks you to help her apply sunscreen on her back, and you help her out while your heart pounds so loudly you’re almost sure she can hear it. When she offers to help you in return, you shiver under her gentle touch, and when she asks you about it, you tell a white lie about how the lotion was colder than you expected, even though you both know that’s not it at all. 

Throughout the day, you catch her looking at you every now and then. When you try to catch her in the act, she turns away from you to comment on the trees or the flowers in your garden, a faint blush creeping onto her cheeks. It makes you feel like you’re 24 again, when you were head over heels for each other, not managing to keep your obvious infatuations with one another a secret, and you have to admit to yourself that you thought you wouldn’t get to feel that way again at this age. 

As the afternoon turns into early evening and both of you are getting hungry, you decide it’s time to go back inside to make dinner. The children should be getting home from their grandparents' soon and while their grandma promised you they would feed them dinner before they drove them home, you want to at least have dinner ready for you and Karlie before they run through the door, ready for an evening bath before bedtime. 

“What do you want me to do?” Karlie asks as soon as you walk into the kitchen. Neither one of you has changed out of your bathing suits, and seeing her standing there in front of you in her bra and panties is giving you butterflies. Knowing you don’t want her to put her clothes back on, you think for a moment before you reply. 

“Why don’t I do the frying and you can chop vegetables?” you suggest, smiling. 

“Yeah, sure, I can do that.”

You set her up with a knife and a chopping board before you grab an apron for yourself to protect your naked stomach from any potential sprays of hot oil and set to work. 

Karlie is faster than you, or maybe you just gave her the task that would finish first, but soon she’s standing by the kitchen island without anything to do. You don’t know what else you can suggest for her to do, and considering how she’s a guest and all, you’re not so sure if you want to give her any more tasks in case it comes across as rude and demanding. 

You’re just about to suggest that maybe she can set the table when she sneaks up behind you and put an arm around your waist. You immediately feel your heart speed up and you try your best to keep your breath steady, focusing on the stir fry that’s sizzling in the pan in front of you. She doesn’t make it easy for you, though, as she softly drags her fingers across your sun-kissed back and your breath hitches for a moment. You close your eyes, trying to keep focus, trying not to lose yourself to the sensations her soft touch brings you, but when you suddenly feel her breath against the nape of your neck and hear a soft murmur as her lips hover right above your skin, you don’t think you can keep yourself together any longer. “You smell like sunshine,” she murmurs and you could die right there.

You give in. You take a step to the side and turn around, leaning into the kitchen cabinet as you look up into Karlie’s familiar green eyes. You bite your bottom lip as your hands find their way to her face. It feels unreal, that she’s here, that she wants this, you, after all this time. 

You can’t wait any longer. You lean in, lips ready, eyes closing, your noses meeting ever so softly in anticipation…

“Mummy!”

The sound of your daughter’s voice jerks you back and you bump the back of your head into the cabinet behind you. “Ow,” you groan and step past Karlie, your hand rubbing your head.

You look over at Karlie, who looks embarrassed, and sigh. “I’m sorry,” you say quietly.

“It’s okay,” she says and backs away. “I should go put some clothes on.”

“Mummy, are you coming?” your daughter yells again.

“Coming, sweetheart,” you yell back. 

Making a quick stop by the stove to make sure your food isn’t burning, you head off into the hallway to greet the kids, feeling haunted by the kiss that almost happened, but didn’t.


	4. Chapter 4

_July 29th, 2030_

You wake up feeling rested. Rolling over on your back while you keep your eyes closed, you revel in the comfort of the soft mattress underneath you. Turning your head ever so slightly, a strip of sunlight hits you in the face, and the moment of comfort slips away. Sun in your bedroom means it is late morning, and late morning means your children should be up. Why haven’t you been woken up?

You scramble out of bed and grab your summer morning robe from the chair by the dresser, smoothing down your tousled bed hair with the palm of your hand as you make your way to the door. In the hallway, the faint sound of voices and children’s laughter echoes off the walls from downstairs, and a sense of relief washes over you. This means they’re okay; no one has been kidnapped or died during the night. Not that you really expected any of that. 

“Look who’s up,” Karlie greets you as you walk through the door to the kitchen. 

“Hi,” you say, looking from her to your children sitting around the kitchen table, clearly in the middle of eating breakfast. The table is full of plates with French toast, various berries, and a large jug of what looks like freshly squeezed orange juice. 

“Mummy, look!” Eloise jumps up from her chair and takes your hand, leading you to where you normally sit. “We made you breakfast. I helped.”

“You did?”

“Yes!” 

You bend down to kiss her forehead. “You’re amazing,” you say and look over at the table, spotting a glass with three small yellow flowers in them. “Did you pick the flowers too?”

“Mhm,” she nods. 

“They’re beautiful, darling, thank you.”

You sit down and immediately Karlie offers you coffee, which you graciously accept. You watch her move around your kitchen, finding everything she needs with such an ease it’s like she has lived here for years. For a moment you wonder if you woke up to an alternate reality today.

“What?” 

The question grabs your attention and brings you back to this reality where three pairs of curious eyes are looking at you. “Oh,” you exclaim with a smile, “nothing. I was just thinking about how you have really figured out my kitchen.”

Karlie laughs. “I woke up at 4:30. Jetlag, you know? Figured I might as well go do something productive.”

“And then we got up,” Connor chimes in.

“And I was hungry,” Eloise adds. 

You grin at the two of them before you focus on Karlie. “Thank you for this. Really. It has been a while since the last time this happened.”

She flashes you a smile you could lose yourself in over and over. “You’re welcome. Now eat up!”

\---------

You spend the day watching her play with your daughter. Instead of lunch, you all sit down for a tea party that even Connor wants to attend, with homemade pastries and lemonade and the fancy tea set Eloise got for Christmas last year when she was really too young for such an exquisite set. When it’s time to make dinner, you watch Karlie run around with the kids underneath the water spray from the garden hose, Eloise screeching happily every time she gets sprayed. 

Once the kids are in bed, the two of you sink into the large couch in your living room with a bottle of wine to share between you. 

“I really enjoyed watching you with the kids today,” you say softly, “you’re so good with them.” Your eyes meet long enough before she looks away that you can detect a hint of sadness in them, and you worry about having said the wrong thing. 

“They’re good kids,” she says. Her voice is cheerful but she’s looking firmly into her hands, refusing to look at you, causing alarm bells to ring in your head. 

When she doesn’t say anything else, and the silence drags on without her looking back up at you, you take a deep breath and steel yourself. “Did I say something wrong?” you ask, sure now that whatever this is was brought on by your comment.

“No,” she says quietly, finally looking up at you again, “I was just having a moment.”

“Oh. We can talk about something else?” 

“No, it’s okay. I just… I kind of envy you this life you have made for yourself.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Josh and I, we tried. A lot. We even succeeded a few times only to lose them later. In the end that became our downfall. There’s only so many times you can go through that without starting to resent each other.”

You scoot closer to her and pull her in for a sideways hug. “I’m so sorry,” you say, stunned by her confession. “I had no idea.” 

“We never got far enough to announce anything. In the end it didn’t matter anyway.”

“Karlie… of course it mattered. It mattered to you, didn’t it?” Looking at her you can see tears forming in her eyes that she quickly blinks away.

“Yeah, I guess,” she says, diverting her gaze away from yours. 

You lower your head down onto her shoulder. For a minute or two you just sit like that in silence, feeling her warmth seeping through her shirt and onto you. You wish you could help her ease that pain, but pain like that sticks with you forever. The only way to really undo it would be to go back to that time when all your nights were hers 15 years ago, before everything changed between you, and reshape your lives.

“Do you ever wonder what things would have been like for us if we had done things differently?” you ask. 

“Doesn’t everyone?”

“Maybe?” You shrug. That wasn’t the response you had been expecting. 

Almost as if she read your mind, she sits up a bit straighter and turns towards you. “To be honest with you, it’s all I’ve thought about ever since I got your letters. The letter you wrote in May… I’ve read it so many times I know the entire thing by heart. I could quote it in my sleep. Do I think things would have been different? Of course. Everything would have been different. It’s impossible to say where we would have been.”

“Is that why you came then? To see what it would have been like?”

Softly she puts her hand on your cheek, stroking her thumb across it. “If I say I regret ever leaving you, will you kiss me?”

The words are barely out of her mouth before you do exactly that. You pull one leg up in front of you on couch so you can push her backwards, both hands on her face as your lips meet, pull apart, and meet again. You lean onto her, forcing her backwards until she’s down on her back. Inside your chest your heart is running rampant, pumping liquid euphoria through your body. You bite down on her lip and it’s like all that pain is gone because you’re 24 years old again at a secluded beach on the coast of California, sunshine kissing your back as you’re kissing her. She smells like a warm summer evening and she tastes like home.

You’re suspended in time as you kiss her over and over. At some point she sheds her blouse and you untie her bikini top less than two seconds later, cupping her breasts with your hands as you kiss her chest. She whimpers a little as you make your way down between her breasts and you wonder which one of your secret trips she’s currently experiencing all over again. 

It takes absolutely all your strength to resist going all the way right then and there, but now that the moment is here, you want to savor it. You want to do it right, and you definitely don’t want to risk your children walking in on you. 

“Come to bed with me tonight,” you purr at her in between kisses. 

“Now?” she whimpers softly, her eyes half-shut with pleasure. 

“Yes.” You get in a last kiss before you sit up and pull her with you. “Put this on,” you say as you toss her the discarded blouse, “I’ll grab the wine.”

With Karlie’s bikini top in one hand and wine in another, the two of you run up the stairs, giggling like schoolgirls. Once you reach the second floor, you motion to her to be quiet. “Meet me in my bedroom, you know where it is,” you whisper to her and put the bottle of wine down on the dresser next to your daughter’s room. Her door is ajar, and you quickly pop your head in to see that she’s sleeping soundly. You enter as quietly as you can to open a window and kiss her on the forehead before closing the door behind you on your way out. After doing the same with Connor, you start running down the hallway, realizing halfway you forgot the wine standing on the dresser. For a brief second you wonder if you should just leave it, wanting nothing more than to feel Karlie’s naked body against yours right this second, but you turn around to get it anyway with such speed you’re inside your bedroom only a few seconds later, finding Karlie completely naked on your bed, grinning at you. 

Seeing her like that, on your bed, gives you a headrush. You turn to close the door, making sure to lock it to keep curious children out in the small hours of the morning, and rest your head on the door for just a moment. This is really happening. The moment is finally here. You can barely believe it.

“Taylor?” Karlie’s voice is soft and questioning. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you say and turn around, “I’m fine. Just needed a moment.”

You stand there watching her for a moment. She’s still as beautiful as she was all those years ago. The years seem to have left her almost untouched, as she still looks as flawless as she did back in her prime model days. It’s painful to see how flat her stomach still is at 37, when yours is so absolutely not anymore, but it dawns on you that she’s still here, naked, in _your_ bed. 

She watches as you undress. You take your time, feeling more vulnerable for each garment you remove. Eventually you stand in front of her wearing absolutely nothing but your insecurities, feeling mediocre next to her, yet craving her touch so much you’re shaking. She doesn’t say anything. You wonder if she’s looking at your less-than-perky breasts or your soft thighs and comparing them you to a time when you didn’t look this aged, but just as that thought has crossed your mind, she gets up to stand in front of you. She brushes one hand down your arm and onto your ass, causing shivers down your spine. 

“I don’t look 25 anymore,” you say, your voice so low you can barely hear yourself speak.

“It’s okay,” she tells you with a hand on one of your soft breasts, “I don’t expect you to.”

You let her take the lead. That confidence you had five minutes ago while you were both on the couch together has vanished, but you know she knows how to treat you well. 

“Come,” she says and leads you to the bed where she lies down. You lie down next to her and she pulls you on top of her, kissing you greedily. You’re shaking all over now; your insides are a tumultuous mess of endorphins and anxiety that you can’t control, but you don’t want to control it either. It’s euphoria, plain and simple.  


She’s greedy and rough the first time. She uses teeth on your lips as she kisses you, firm enough to hurt, but light enough to not leave marks. You’re still on top when she puts two fingers inside of you, rubbing your clit at the same time. Her entry surprises you at first; it’s sudden and fast, without much foreplay, but soon you rock into her hand with a steady, even rhythm. You come fast the first time, your body twitching on top of hers as you beg her to stop, to give you a moment, to let you go. She laughs as she fulfills your wish and kisses your shoulders as the orgasm subsides. 

When it’s her turn, you take it slow. You want to build her up and you do, your confidence rising the more you can make her whimper under your touch. You pay close attention to her nipples for several minutes, first with your tongue, then with your lips and finally your teeth, until she’s impatient enough to start begging. Then, and only then, do you move further down to tease her by kissing her legs and her inner thighs. When you finally place your mouth exactly where she wants you, she’s already so close she’s squirming. You take your time so that when she finally climaxes, it comes from deep inside her. 

The second time is sweet and sensual. She makes sure there’s not a single inch left on your body that hasn’t already been touched. You can barely remember the last time you felt like this, and you want to keep feeling like this forever. “Stay with me,” you beg under your breath as her lips are on your shoulders. 

Just when you’ve convinced herself she hadn’t heard you, she looks you deep in your eyes and strokes a soft hand across your cheek. “Okay,” she whispers and seals the word with a kiss. You close your eyes as her lips move down your body once more and let euphoria take you. 

You stay entangled for what’s probably hours. The wine you took with you upstairs has been forgotten in favor of soft touches and sex. When you finally fall asleep, you lie next to each other with her arms around you, keeping you safe.

She stays with you the next night as well, leaving your guest room empty and your heart full. 

***

On the morning of August 1st, you let her sleep in, jetlag having finally left her, and focus on getting your children ready for a week at their father’s. Joe is finally home from location and is coming to pick them up at noon so they can stay with him for some quality time. You’re both dreading and looking forward to it at the same time. He’s a wonderful father, but you miss them when they’re gone. Plus, you haven’t exactly told him that Karlie is here, and you dread the idea of him finding out.

He arrives almost exactly at 12:00pm. Eloise is already standing by the door waiting for him as he pulls up, wearing her nicest turquoise summer dress and a pair of sunglasses with kittens on them. “Daddy’s here, daddy’s here,” she yells, and you come to the door just as she’s launching herself at him with a gleeful screech. 

He puts her down and looks at you. “How are you?”

“Oh, you know, pretty good. How was filming?”

“Not bad, but it’s good to be back with this little one,” he says and ruffles Eloise’s hair, making her laugh. “You look good,” he says, looking you over, “that dress is lovely on you.”

“Stop it,” you tell him, but you’re not really mad at him for it. He might not know the glow on your skin is from spending your nights with Karlie, that the blush on your cheeks is from feeling ten years younger again now that she’s here, or that the deep red and black dress you’re wearing is one you chose to wear specifically to impress her, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to compliment you.

He shrugs at your response. “Where’s Connor?”

“He’s probably just getting his last few things. Connor?” you yell out for him, and about a minute later he walks out with his New York Yankees cap on and a backpack slung around his shoulder.

You help him get both children and their things into the car, and kiss them goodbye. He’s just about to get into the car himself when he suddenly asks “what’s she doing here?” 

“Shit,” you say to yourself as you turn to see Karlie standing in the doorway, looking at you curiously. “I guess I invited her.”

“You… invited her.”

“I mean, technically she just showed up,” you say, flustered.

“’I invited her,’ ‘she just showed up.’ Which one is it, Taylor?”

“Okay, what is with the third degree? I sent her some letters, she came to visit. Why does it matter how she got here?”

“It matters because you never told me she was here.”

“And why should I? We’re not married anymore. I don’t owe you an explanation for the things I do in my life.”

“Because of our children!” Joe shouts. “Because I spent fifteen years feeling inadequate in our relationship because I could NEVER give you what she gave you. Because you broke things off because you never got over her. She’s the entire reason we’re not together anymore!”

“Lower your voice,” you say icily and grit your teeth, “it’s not my fault you felt threatened by her existence. That’s on you. Now get in the car and go have fun with your children. We can talk about this later.”

“Fine,” he snorts, “whatever.”

You watch him drive away with your children in the backseat. They should not have been exposed to this fight. You’re angry at him for losing his temper and hope he’s at least calm enough to drive responsibly. 

You rub your face with one hand. This was not how you had envisioned today going at all. Sighing, you turn and start walking towards the door. You glance up at Karlie, who looks like she just witnessed a train wreck. She doesn’t say anything your entire walk back inside and it feels like the hot breeze around you was just swapped out with icy northern winds. 

“Is it true what he said, that I’m the reason you’re no longer married?” she asks as you close the door behind you. 

You don’t dare to turn around to face her, but you answer anyway. “Yes, Karlie,” you say reluctantly, “you are.”


	5. Chapter 5

You’ve always known your words can sting but this time you don’t even mean for them to. Sometimes the truth just hurts, even when delivered by small, normal words like “yes” and “you are.” 

“That’s not fair,” she says quietly. Too quietly. 

“No, I guess it isn’t fair,” you say, turning around to face her. “Just like it wasn’t fair how you left me all those years ago.” 

The words cut into her like a thousand knives and she visibly shrinks in front of you. Your heart aches from the hurt look on her face, but your anger has unlocked that vault inside of you that’s been locked and stowed away for 15 years. She owes you some answers. 

An unbearable silence fills the air around you. She’s standing by the door, looking down at her feet, pain and discomfort seeping out of her from deep slashes brought on by sharp words. When she doesn’t say anything, and the blinding red-hot rage inside you threatens to burn the silence down, taking the whole house with it, you turn and start ascending the stairs, needing to do _something_ to calm yourself down. Making sure the children’s rooms are tidy might as well be it.

You’re about halfway up when her footsteps break the silence.

“It wasn’t like that,” she says to your back. 

“Like what?” you ask without stopping. 

“Do you think it was easy for me to leave you? Do you think it was an easy decision for me?” Her feet stomp loudly on the stairs behind you. “I didn’t want to do that to you. I didn’t want to do that to _me_!”

“Then why the hell did you?” You’ve turned on your heel to look at her, delivering the words with such a blow it nearly shoves her down the stairs.

She recoils and stares at you for a few moments. “I did it for you,” she utters eventually.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t fucking ask you to.” You’re yelling now, the crimson fury inside of you has turned into steam that’s fuming out of you through your pores. Furious, you walk into Connor’s room and start making his bed, smoothing the sheets and shaking the cover violently before you spread it across the bed. 

“I know you didn’t,” she yells back at you before she follows you into his room, “I thought I was doing what was best for you. In case you don’t remember, you weren’t exactly having a wonderful time at that point.”

“You don’t have to remind me,” you hiss at her.

“You were miserable, Taylor!”

“So you thought you’d make it all better by breaking up with me.”

“God, you know that’s not it.”

“Then tell me, Karlie, what was it about?” 

She sighs. “Do you remember when we met Joe at the Met Gala?”

Only all too well. 

“As we spent time with him, it was clear to me that you liked him, and he really liked you. One time the two of you were deep in conversation, I looked at you and thought ‘this is your chance at normal’. I knew I had Josh – I always had Josh – so I knew that while losing you would be painful, I had someone else and with Joe, you did too.” She sighs again. “I just didn’t want you to be miserable anymore. Everyone was constantly judging you, and I knew that we could never live out in the open, so I backed out to protect you.”

You take a deep breath with your eyes closed. For years you longed for an explanation from her, for some meaning that could justify it all, and now that you finally got one, it does exactly nothing to ease the pain of what happened. If anything, it amplifies it. 

“I didn’t need you to save me,” you say at last. “Don’t you get that? So what if I thought he was cute? I loved _you_! I didn’t want anyone else. You didn’t even give me the courtesy of getting to choose what I wanted. You just assumed it would be better for me if we weren’t together, broke up with me, and then let me think it was all my fault.” 

You take a step to the side and sink down on Connor’s bed. The crimson inside you is gone now, replaced by a deep shade of blue. Tears sting in your eyes and you blink them away, deliberately avoiding looking at her. 

When you finally do meet her eyes, yours flood again. “I think you should go,” you whisper. 

“Yeah,” she mumbles as she turns around. 

She leaves you there. You hear her footsteps walking down the hall followed by the soft creak of a door opening. It only takes her a few minutes to gather her things, because she’s suddenly in the doorway again, mumbling “I’m sorry” to you before she hurries down the stairs and out the door, slamming it shut. 

***

The next 24 hours are excruciatingly lonely. You find yourself drifting aimlessly through the empty house, sipping red wine and crying into pillows. For the first time in years, you feel utterly heartbroken. You wish the kids were here, so you’d at least have some company, something to keep your mind occupied with, but the house is just as empty as you feel. You wail into sheets tainted with the smell of her perfume and fall asleep on an empty stomach. When you wake up ravenous in the middle of the night, you walk in a daze to the kitchen, only to be reminded that she was here cooking you breakfast just a few days ago, and so you go back to bed feeling nauseous instead. 

You take a long shower the next morning, trying desperately to rinse off the pain you’ve been coated in. When it doesn’t work, and all you feel is hollow, you decide to go for a drive. Maybe it can help clear your mind.

Your stomach is growling at you on the way into town. You stop by the corner shop for a hazelnut croissant to make it shut up and spend an hour driving around without a plan of where you’re going. No matter where you go, you find something that reminds you of Karlie, and right now you need to get away in order to think. 

You drive to the lake where you sometimes take the kids to swim. The lake is quiet and serene; it’s early enough so no one else is around, yet late enough to feel the warm sun kissing your shoulders. Leaning against the car, you breathe in the fresh summer air. 

Slowly the numbness eases away.

You should get her back. 

It’s not that what she did all those years ago wasn’t wrong, but she’s the god damn love of your life. This isn’t unmendable; do you really want to let her slip away from you once again? Over a stupid fight?

It takes you all of three seconds to figure out the answer, get back into the car and head off. You arrive at the local bed and breakfast twenty minutes later. Not bothering to check the mirror – you figure she’ll know you’ve been crying anyway - you hurry out of the car and into the building. You find her door and knock on it three times, waiting for her to open. 

When you’ve knocked another time and waited outside the door for ten minutes, like some fool who can’t take a hint, you go back to the front desk and wait for the receptionist, Anika, to get back from the back room.

“Oh, hey Taylor,” she says cheerfully when she sees you, “what can I do for you today?”

“Do you know if Karlie Kloss is still here? Room 214?”

“Let me just check that for you… No, I’m sorry, she checked out late last night.”

You gape at her. This wasn’t in the realm of possibilities you had anticipated on the drive here. 

“Are you okay?” Anika asks, sounding genuinely worried.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you manage to say without sounding too shaky. 

“Is there anything else I can do for you?” 

“No, no, thank you, that’s all,” you say, panic bubbling underneath your skin. You turn away from her without saying goodbye.

Inside your car, where no one can hear you, you scream. 

***

_August 7th, 2020_

My dearest Karlie,

I have spent the past week wishing you were here.

I’m sorry about how we left things. I’m sorry that I asked you to leave, and I’m sorry I blamed you for how my marriage failed. I only said what I said because he made me so angry - it’s definitely not on you that he has felt like he lived in your shadow all these years. If anything, that’s on me, since I am the one who must have made him feel that way. No matter the reason, I know it was wrong of me to put that on you, and I sincerely apologize.

I understand why you did what you did back then. While I wish you had given me a choice, you had my best interest at heart, I know that now. I guess in a way you were right: I ended up having Joe the way you had Josh. I loved him – I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t – but he wasn’t the love of my life. You were. You _are_.

Please come back. I don’t want to spend another day without you; 15 years was more than enough.

Yours always,

Taylor. 

***

Summer might be a knife, but autumn comes with healing powers. 

On a quiet September afternoon, when the children are at school, your doorbell rings. You’re outside on your patio, reading a book in the sunshine, when you hear it chime. You put the book down and get up, stretching slightly, wondering who it could be. You’re not expecting anyone.

Your heart skips a beat when you open the door. Outside, standing behind an enormous bouquet of sunflowers, is Karlie.

“You have got to start announcing your arrival,” you say shakily, “I don’t think my heart can take all of these surprise visits”. 

“So here’s the thing,” she says, completely oblivious to you saying anything at all, “I was stupid. I did a stupid thing leaving you in 2015 and I did an even stupider thing leaving you a month ago, and I’m sorry. I was a fool, and I should have listened to you. I should have asked you what you wanted and not just assumed that you would be better off without me…”

“Karlie…”

“…I’ve spent the last month absolutely kicking myself because here I had a second chance with you and I went and blew it all up by being a fucking idiot who just _left_ – for fuck’s sake, _who does that…_ ”

“Karlie!”

She snaps out of whatever train of thought was holding her hostage and meet your gaze. “Yes?”

“Will you shut up and kiss me already?”

You can see her soften right there on the spot. “Yes,” she whispers with a grin before she leans in to kiss you,

over,

and over,

and over,

forever. 

_ The end _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this story about a year ago now, I said "this will be like five chapters or something," and what do you know, it IS five chapters.
> 
> Now that it's done, I've made the decision to retire as a writer for the kaylor fandom. It just doesn't feel right for me anymore, and inspiration has been sorely lacking for a very long time now. It's time for me to move onto different things. What a ride this has been though. From my first multi-chapter fic in 2015 to now, I have laughed and cried with you all through these stories. I have evolved so much as a writer and learned skills I will continue to develop as long as I keep writing - which I will.
> 
> I want to tell you all how much I have enjoyed your comments and your enthusiasm. Please continue to leave comments as I read and cherish all of them. If you want to stay connected, head on over to tumblr, username @taylorswiftsthighs, and click that follow button. 
> 
> I love you. Thank you and stay safe!


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